Autism and Marriage

Daniel recently sent me this picture.

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Such truth..  I absolutely loved (love) it.  It sums up our marriage in a beautiful nutshell.

We both wholeheartedly acknowledge that this marriage has been W-O-R-K.  We have both been, well, let’s just say, “imperfect” at times…  And to be quite honest, we have each given the other person some extremely good reason(s) to give up.

But we haven’t.

Tomorrow, June 30th, is our 17th wedding anniversary, and I am BEYOND proud of us for having pushed through so many of life’s challenges together.

This is especially true when all you read about in mainstream media is the doom and gloom when it comes to US divorce rates; sometimes 50%, 60%, etc. – and that’s if people choose to get married at all.  It’s incredibly disheartening.

For us though, what is even more upsetting is when we read about the God-awful divorce rates of parents of children with special needs, which is usually quoted around 80% (or more).

One quote I found by a doctor further explains this statistic:

In the work I’ve done with children with Autism, I’ve come across many couples who quote this 80 percent divorce rate to me. They don’t know what the future holds for their child, and feel a sense of hopelessness about the future of their marriage as well – almost like getting a diagnosis of autism and a diagnosis of divorce at the same time.

I’m happy to say that Daniel & I haven’t let this statistic bother us too much, but it’s been in the backs of our minds ever since we first learned that Gabriel was autistic.  Then, adding another child with special needs, and another, we multiplied the percentages by three and eventually deducted that – statistically speaking – we simply weren’t supposed to be married.

So what do you do when the cards are stacked against you?

What CAN you do?

You can make a choice.  You can choose to look at that cup Half Full.

You find truth like in this quote, internalize it, and use it as a mantra in your lives together.

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But here’s what’s interesting.  As I was initially writing this post, personally gloating over how Daniel & I have defied these impossible odds, I became curious about from where the 80% statistic actually originated.  (If I’m going to brag about beating a statistic, I better be able to back it up, right? 😉

I figured it must have come from a fairly reputable source (such as the US Department of Health & Human Services) or the equivalent – as this statistic has been quoted numerous times in all sorts of media.

Know what?  To my happy (and shocked) surprise, this is a completely false statistic.

It is a rumor that has been erroneously quoted and spread by associations as supposedly reputable as the National Autism Association.

(If you’re curious for more detailed info, read this):

What I also found was significant research debunking this statistic, from an extremely credible source – Dr. Brian Freedman with the Kennedy Kreiger Institute in Boston.

According to Dr. Freedman,

  • “64 percent of children with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) belong to a family with two married biological or adoptive parents, compared with 65 percent of children who do not have an ASD.” (2010)

Whaaaaat?!

So according to this, we have as good a chance of remaining married as parents of children withOUT special needs?

**happy dance occurring as I type this 🙂 **

YES!!!!

Here’s another quote to support this idea:

  • “In short, evidence for increased marital discord and divorce rates among parents of children with disabilities is weak and inconsistent. Many more parents of children with disabilities report positive effects on their marriages than report negative effects, and many others recognize that having a child with a disability has little to do with the quality or durability of their marriage relationship.” (Sobsey, 2004).

Now I’m sorry, this one is hard to swallow – I have a v-e-r-y difficult time believing that Autism has had a “positive effect” on our marriage.  Maybe. Maybe it’s made us more resilient.

It’s kept it interesting, to say the least…

But at any rate, I’ll take the new (more accurate) marriage statistic any day.  Not that it changes anything about our marriage, but at the very least, it lends a new, happier, more optimistic perspective to our family’s future together.

Speaking of perspective, Paul, our amazing counselor, gave us a fun perspective to think about recently: he said that anniversaries – while often thought of as more of reflection days – should also (and perhaps more so) be thought of as a celebration of everything that is yet to come (much like New Year’s Day – complete with setting resolutions for the year ahead).

And so we have planned our anniversary to do just this – to celebrate (along with our precious children) our many memories together, and to spend some time designing what we would like our family’s future to look like.

So here’s to you, Daniel, and to our future.

*************************************************************************************

PS – We started the celebration early today.  Anyone that knows Daniel knows how incredibly sarcastic he is (a classic reason why I love him), and one of the cornerstones of our marriage is we are constantly making fun of each other…  (i.e. Ask him to say the word “socks” and try and keep a straight face..  His Wisconsin accent comes SCREAMING through… ;-)  So, we took turns trying to find the most sarcastic message possible to give one another for our anniversary.  I found three that I thought were great and couldn’t decide which one I liked best, so here they all are. (If you feel the need, let me know your opinion!)

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And this was the one he gave to me…

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https://www.kennedykrieger.org/overview/news/80-percent-autism-divorce-rate-debunked-first-its-kind-scientific-study

Sobsey, D. (2004). Marital stability and marital satisfaction in families of children with disabilities: Chicken or egg?. Developmental Disabilities Bulletin, 32(1), 62-83. Full text available at http://eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/content_storage_01/0000019b/80/44/c2/a5.pdf

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